


Mission

by Gabby (Kirahsoka)



Series: Clouded Light [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Romance, barrissoka, so many problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 04:40:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20370838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirahsoka/pseuds/Gabby
Summary: Shortly before the Temple bombing, a conflicted Barriss Offee is assigned a mission with the only person that might have a chance to save her. Ahsoka Tano is thrilled to spend time with her friend, but this mission doesn't quite go as planned.





	Mission

**Author's Note:**

> _Rated M for implied sexual content and mild nudity references. Also, I did not use the underage tag, because I interpret Ahsoka as an adult at this point in the Clone Wars timeline. She's a Jedi, leads troops into battle, and is an alien species with it's own maturation rates. However, in human terms, I suppose Ahsoka would be seventeen here. Just putting it out there for those who may find an over-18 Barriss (presumably) and an under-18 Ahsoka pairing objectionable. This might not be the story for you._

##### Today…

“Don’t move.” Slender hands pressed down on her shoulders, holding Ahsoka in place.

Forcing heavy eyelids to open, she tried to focus on the familiar presence. Her mouth didn’t seem to be working properly and came out with a mangled, “B-arr-ug-hiss?”

There was a soft exhale. “Thank the Force. I wasn’t sure if your injuries had caused damage to your cognitive processing.”

Ahsoka blinked. “Injuries?” Her voice sounded clearer this time.

“Yes. You were hit by energy charges from a security grid. You’ve been unconscious for nearly a whole rotation.” Nimble fingers manipulated skin on her forearm. “You received critical burns on your arms, torso, and legs. Also, your brain is producing erratic readings on my portable med-scanner. I’ve stabilized you and healed the most severe damage, but I can't do much else without more extensive supplies and equipment. You really need a full Bacta immersion.”

She wanted to ask why that hadn’t happened already, when her slowly processing mind caught up. _No supplies?_ Scanning out of her peripheral vision, she saw they weren’t in a medbay or even a ship. There was nothing but rocky darkness, lit by the glow of an emergency lamp. “Where are we? Did we make it to Ruusan?”

Concerned eyes appeared over her. “You don’t remember?”

Ahsoka contemplated. “We were assigned an infiltration mission, I think? We left the temple in a shuttle and…” She couldn’t recall anything after that.

“Oh.” The response sounded strained. “Nothing from the actual mission? The flight to Ruusan? What about our t-time in the canyons when we… traveled to the separatist compound?”

She stared up at the uncharacteristically anxious face. “Um, no. Why? Did something important happen?”

There was a bitter smile, but it quickly vanished. Barriss disappeared from view and started rummaging through something. “Nothing of significance.” The reply was flat. Too flat.

Ahsoka lifted a hand, ignoring the stabs of agony her motion inflicted, and clumsily groped for Barriss. She hit what felt like an arm and grabbed onto it. “What’s wrong?”

The arm stiffened. “Nothing.” Fingers pried hers away and returned them to the blanket. “I said don’t move. You’ll exacerbate your injuries.”

Twisting her position to try and look at the woman, Ahsoka gasped. Dizzying pain swept over her body and then it seized up, before starting to shudder.

“Ahsoka!” Hands braced her shoulders, and she felt an injection of some kind.

Whatever it was calmed her jerking and the spinning receded. “W-what happened?”

Barriss came into view once more. “I’ve given you a muscle relaxer, but we don’t have much of it left. Once we run out, you could go into a life-threatening seizure. Please, Ahsoka, stop trying to move.” There was an unsteady whisper, “For me. Please.”

She blinked as her vision congealed on the face that was looking down at her with what Ahsoka could swear looked like… _No. You have brain damage, remember? This is probably some delusion plucked from your fantasies. You. Barriss. Stranded in a cave. It’s too good to be reality. Well, except for the whole you can’t move and could die at any moment part._ Licking incredibly chapped lips, she rasped, “Ok.”

There was a relieved smile as Barriss gazed down at her. Fingers brushed her cheek. “Good. Now, rest.”

The expression in the cobalt eyes was mesmerizing, and Ahsoka struggled to keep her own open. Her last thought before losing consciousness was one she'd had too many times before. It was a desire she had chastised herself for over and over again but couldn’t seem to shake. She _wanted_ Barriss Offee.

_______

##### Five days ago…

Barriss paced outside the Eta-class shuttle. _This is ridiculous. Why are we even going on this mission? It’ll only lead to more war, more killing, more misery. And why did it have to be Ahsoka?_

Halting her tread, she once more pushed the emotions into the pit of her soul. It was a common occurrence these days. Otherwise, her mind went places she couldn’t seem to control. _A Jedi should be better than this. I should be better than this._

The landing bay door swished open and a grinning Ahsoka Tano strode in, pack slung over her shoulder. “Knew you’d already be here with the ship prepped, anxiously pacing around. I came early just for you.”

She couldn’t help a slight smile. “In that case, ready to go?”

“Yep.” The girl raced up the open gangplank and into the cockpit. “I call pilot!”

Barriss sighed and took a moment to once more shove the unwanted emotions down. The unyielding pressure of a daily battle with herself was bad enough. But at the moment she had a more acute concern. _Me. Ahsoka. Alone. For days._ Barriss Offee, the model Jedi, shouldn’t be feeling what she was feeling. Shame burned through her. _I’m so weak._

She took a deep breath. _You’re better than this. _Her back clenched into rigid inflexibility, and Barriss fixed eyes forward. She would do what the Jedi required of her. Fight a pointless war. Seed destruction not peace across the galaxy. Continue to struggle through pain and misery. Detach herself from the terrible emotions. Go through the motions day after day.

Barriss marched into the ship and punched in coordinates. She would do her duty. But why did they have to make her do it with the one person that made her feel alive?

_______

Ahsoka glanced at her quiet companion. “Uh, so how ya been? I haven’t seen you in months.”

Barriss shrugged. “Fine. What about you?”

“Same, I guess. Did you hear about my mission to Illum with the younglings?”

Her mouth tightened. “Yes. They were too young for the gathering, anyway. If you hadn’t been there, we could have lost them.”

“Um, maybe.” Ahsoka assessed the hard face. “They are a bit younger than standard. I suppose that’s what happens when there’s a war on. Though, they actually rescued me from Hondo. So, they’re a pretty capable group.”

There was a bitter smile. “I’m sure they’ll make fine warriors.”

Unsure how to respond, Ahsoka searched for another topic. “Oh, I nearly forgot! You got knighted since I last saw you. Congratulations Knight Offee!” She grunted. “That sounds weird. Still, I’m happy for you. You deserve it.”

Fingers clenched the arms of her co-pilot’s seat as she replied flatly, “Thank you.”

Now, she knew there was something wrong. “Barriss, is everything alright? You seem… not yourself.”

The woman stiffened. “Of course.” She began fiddling with the navigation controls.

_Hmm._ Barriss was often inscrutable, especially when she was upset, but Ahsoka could usually cajole her into opening up at least a little. This time felt different. _She_ felt different. Then again, they’d barely seen each other over the last year. While missions together were common in their younger Padawan years, the expanding war fronts and declining Jedi ranks meant they rarely saw each other, even in passing, these days. Ahsoka had been thrilled at the Council assigning them a joint mission once again. However, there was now a strange awkwardness, where there had been unspoken harmony. She wasn’t sure where it originated.

Her gaze surveyed the stilted movements and rigid posture. It lingered on the diamond tattoos decorating the smooth skin. _Force, she gets more beautiful everytime I see her._ Wincing inwardly, Ahsoka shoved the impulsive thought away. This was no place for her undisciplined desires, which apparently hadn’t waned with time and distance. Leaning over the arm of her seat, she said gently, “You know you can talk to me about stuff, right? Maybe I can help?”

Slender fingers pressed into the console, turning her olive skin almost white. Then, the fluctuating face turned impassive. “I said I’m fine.”

Letting out an exhale, Ahsoka turned back to the cockpit window. “Whatever you say. Just don’t forget, I’m here if you need to talk.”

There was a long silence and then a quiet, “Thanks.”

Ahsoka smiled.

_______

##### Four days ago…

They left the camouflaged shuttle and trekked into the canyons. The wide defense grid and surrounding canyon range protecting their target prevented landing in a closer approach location. That meant a multi-day trip overland to reach it. Ahsoka surveyed the desolate terrain of Ruusan. “Well, not the most joy-inducing place I’ve seen. Though, could be worse. Remind me to tell you about Nal Hutta sometime.”

Barriss chuckled. “At least, it’s not Umbara.” Then, she flinched, posture recoiling in on itself.

Ahsoka gripped the woman’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

She took several short breaths. “That was horrible. I shouldn’t make light of a place where so much death happened.”

“It’s ok. Sometimes that’s a way to deal with things.”

“Oh, that makes everything better?” she snapped. “Joking about people suffering and dying by your hand?”

Ahsoka’s mouth parted. “Um, that’s not what I meant. I only—well, if you think about it too seriously—I don’t know.” Releasing her hold on Barriss, she rubbed her own arm. “Sorry if I upset you. It just helps me is all. Maybe that makes me a terrible Jedi.”

There was a sharp inhale, and Barriss grabbed her hand. “No, it doesn’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—please, don’t think that.” Her eyes softened. “You are a wonderful person and a great Jedi. I shouldn't have reacted that way. Ignore me, please.”

She gazed into the cobalt orbs, stomach fluttering. “I don’t know about all that, but I do know I could _never_ ignore you.” Her attempt at an endearing grin failed. Ahsoka had no idea what it actually looked like. If she had to guess, it probably resembled a much more suggestive smirk. _Yep, model Jedi. Right._

Her olive skin darkened a shade, and Barriss said quickly, “We should get moving. It’ll be dark soon.” She pivoted around and started hiking.

Ahsoka slapped a hand to her forehead. _What was that?!_ Moving after Barriss, she tried not to notice the woman’s hips swinging gracefully with every movement. Forcing her attention to the surrounding terrain, she fought to banish the very un-Jedi cravings. Her eyes had other ideas and wandered back to the lithe, tantalizing figure. Ahsoka ground her teeth. _This is it, Tano. You’ve met your match. This is the mission that will finally kill you._

_______

Barriss watched Ahsoka undress to nothing more than her tube top and a skintight pair of leggings. Heat and shame rushed through every nook and cranny of her body, but she couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away. _Stop it! Why are you torturing yourself?_

Ahsoka frowned at her. “Not changing for bed?”

She jumped and fixed attention on the tiny power generator between them. “No. I like to be ready for unexpected events.”

“Oh.” Ahsoka sounded disappointed. “You didn’t used to be that way.”

“I am now,” she answered distantly. Barriss didn't allow herself that kind of luxury on a mission anymore. Sleep never came easily these days, if she had time to even try. It was difficult to remember when she had last gotten a full night’s rest. Changing seemed like a waste. Also, it made her feel unprepared and… vulnerable. Raising her gaze back to Ahsoka, she rolled her shoulders. “Does it matter?”

“No! Of course not.” Her expression fluctuated and then she blurted, “I just kind of liked—” She broke off and began studiously examining her bedroll. “This thing looks as ancient as Master Yoda.” She stuck a finger through a ragged hole in the fabric. “Yep. Rex totally gave me a reject from our last campaign. I’m going to kill him.”

Barriss scanned her face. “You liked what?”

There was a slight wince and then a mumbled response. “Your nightclothes. They were, um, very stylish.”

She blinked. “A camisole and lycra pants? They aren’t anything special. Just practical to wear under my robes.”

Ahsoka barked an awkward-sounding laugh. “Guess one woman’s practical is another woman’s stylish, huh?” She hurriedly tossed supplies into her pack.

“Erm, I suppose.” Then, she abruptly had an urge to change after all. _What?_ Contemplating the perplexing feeling, Barriss realized the usual fear wasn’t there. More than that, she wanted to make Ahsoka happy. Why it would do so was beyond her, but it seemed important to the girl. _Oh, why not, Offee? Who’s it going to hurt?_ Rising to her feet, she remarked, “Alright. Since you so clearly are a fan of appropriate sleep attire, I’ll change.”

Ahsoka’s head jerked up and a slow grin formed. “Excellent.”

_______

##### Three days ago…

“What do you think?” Ahsoka lowered herself onto a rock and scrunched throbbing shoulders. “One more day until we get there?”

Barriss finished consulting her holomap. “Perhaps a bit less.” She quirked an eyebrow. “If, we keep moving.”

Pressing palms on her makeshift seat, Ahsoka pushed herself up. “Ok, I can take a hint.” She tried not to show the flinch as agony arced down her back.

A slender hand wrapped around her arm. “You’re hurting.”

Ahsoka put on a grin. “Nah. I’m all good.”

Serious eyes assessed her. “Take off your tunic.”

Ahsoka’s body automatically flooded with inappropriate feelings at the innocent request. _Get it together!_ “Seriously, Barriss. It’s no big deal. Just a bit of a twinge from that rockslide earlier. Let’s keep going.”

The grip on her arm tightened. “Ahsoka. Let me check the injury. We’re infiltrating a heavily secured compound, and you’ll need to be in top condition. It doesn’t do either of us any good to leave it untreated.”

Blowing out a breath, she unfastened her belt. Turning her back to Barriss, Ahsoka gingerly pulled her form-fitting burgundy tunic over her head, biting back a pained cry. Then, she slowly rolled the underlying tube top down to her waist to give Barriss a clear view of the injury. Despite the heat of the midday sun and an equal level of warmth surging through her insides, a sudden chill peaked her now exposed breasts. “Well, how bad is it?”

There was a hissed breath behind her head. “Ahsoka Tano, I might strangle you. You have a serious laceration and deep bruising running from your shoulders down your entire back. Hiking and climbing must have been extremely painful. Don’t move. I’m going to get my medpac.”

Ahsoka barely noted the diagnosis or the throbbing. Nothing but a feeling of exposure mixed with anticipation registered. Soon, Barriss would be touching her bare skin and the thought was inciting unheard of levels of crazy. _Force above, Tano. Get a grip!_

She had regained some semblance of control, when nimble fingers began manipulating her injuries. Goosebumps popped across her body as Ahsoka’s heart pounded against her chest. The gentle touch seemed to linger as it cleaned the wound and prodded the surrounding areas. At one point, it caressed the small of her back, and she couldn’t stop a shiver.

Barriss halted and asked quietly, “Are you alright? Did I… hurt you?”

“No! It feels nice—better I mean.” Grimacing, she added overly brightly, “You’re doing great.”

There was a pause, before the fingers once again started moving. Then, what sounded like a pleased reply came, “I’m glad.”

By the time Bacta was applied, Ahsoka Tano was pretty sure she had ascended into the cosmic plane. The tingling medicinal substance combined with Barriss’ roaming fingers produced one of the most incredible sensations she’d ever felt. An involuntary moan escaped her lips. Chagrined at the vocal reaction, she blurted, “That’s good stuff.”

There was a light laugh. The first occurrence on this trip, and it filled Ahsoka’s heart with happiness. Barriss murmured, “Only the best for you.” Then, the delightful fingers vanished, and a tunic appeared next to her head. “You can get dressed now. It’ll still ache a little and needs time to heal completely, so don’t overdo it.”

Ahsoka snatched her top with an awkward chuckle. “Who me?” Quickly getting dressed, she managed to reign in the roiling turmoil and turned around.

Barriss was fixated on a nearby rock. “Well, ready to go?”

She pasted a grin. “Yep.”

_______

Ahsoka jumped up on her bedroll, ignited lightsabers ready for action. There was nothing. Spinning in a circle, she heard a stuttering whimper. _Oh._

Returning the sabers to her belt, she crept over to Barriss. The woman’s face contorted in pained distress, muscles shuddering. _She’s having a nightmare, I guess?_

Curling and uncurling her fingers, Ahsoka stood uncertainly above her. _What do I do?_ She wasn’t sure if Barriss would welcome intervention. Her heart clenched at another anguished cry. That decided Ahsoka.

Dropping to the ground beside her friend, the woman reached out a tentative hand. Lightly running the back of her hand over a drawn cheek, she murmured, “Barriss, wake up. It’s just a dream.”

Eyelids fluttered open, blinking several times. Then, awareness seemed to come as Barriss sat up. “What’s going on?!” The voice was panicked. Her head jerkily surveyed the camp as if looking for a threat.

Ahsoka gripped her face. “It’s ok. There’s nothing wrong. You were having a nightmare is all. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The fearful eyes faded into weary blankness. “Oh. I apologize for waking you.”

Realizing she was absently rubbing Barriss’ cheeks, Ahsoka drew her hands back and locked them together. “Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?”

Barriss replied distantly, “Right.”

Ahsoka hesitated, before asking, “Um, so that looked like a bad one. Want to talk about it?”

She stiffened, and her gaze darted to the ground. “Not really.”

Letting out a resigned sigh, Ahsoka said, “Fair enough. Are you ok, though?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” came the immediate response, but her body language told a different story.

Ahsoka considered whether to push the issue, when inspiration struck. “You're not, but we can fix that.” Leaping up, she dragged her bedroll over. Overlapping the edges over Barriss’, she laid down and grinned up at her. “I’m right here if you need anything.”

The woman stared, expression fluctuating. “That’s not necessary.”

“I say it is. It’ll be like old times. Remember, when we were younger, and always slept in the same spot on missions? It was…” she trailed off, unsure whether to say the perhaps too honest feelings. Whenever weariness trampled down her reserves, the deaths of her soldiers pressed heavily on her heart, or the constant action of extended campaigns made her unable to sleep, the memories of sleeping with Barriss always helped. They generated a sense of calm warmth and soothing comfort that was like nothing else.

Barriss slowly stretched out on her own bedroll and faced her. “It was what?”

Ahsoka chewed the inside of her mouth, before opting for simple frankness. “Nice. No matter what was going on, it made things better.”

Her eyes softened. “For me too.” She paused. When Barriss spoke again, her voice had uncharacteristically timid lilt. “Do you ever have nightmares about the war?”

A muscle in her jaw twitched. “Not usually. Or, if I do, I don’t remember them. Except for… Onderon.”

Barriss edged closer. “I don’t know about that mission, do I? What happened there?”

“I was sent to train a group of motivated citizens on how to start a successful underground rebellion against their separatist-installed ruler.”

Her nostrils flared. “Of course, we’re now in the business of enabling armed uprisings and inciting terrorism on non-aligned planets. It’s not enough to—” She cringed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m just… uncertain about some of the things we do.”

Ahsoka probed the tightly controlled face. _She’s hurting. I can feel it._ Still, she wasn’t sure how to help. _Yet._ “Yeah, I questioned it, as well, when we were assigned the mission. But I suppose it makes logical sense. And we were only helping people to win their own freedom.” She shrugged and fixed on the lime-shaded night sky above them. “Anyway, I worked with them for several weeks. We did manage to free the planet.”

Barriss cleared her throat. “What were the nightmares about?”

She swallowed. “We were fighting off a major offensive by the separatist forces. The rebel leader was a brilliant and inspiring woman named Steela Gerrera. We became friends. During the battle, Steela was knocked over the side of a mountain. I was pulling her back up, when—” Her throat closed up as she rasped, “A droid gunship hit me from behind, and I l-lost her.”

There was a soft gasp. A gentle hand turned her face back to intense cobalt eyes. “It’s not your fault. Jedi aren’t invincible.”

Ahsoka blinked back tears. “I know that, really. I guess I knew it then, too. That didn’t stop me from reviewing every moment over and over again, trying to figure out if I could have done things differently. I was sent there to help, and I suppose I did. Still, it didn’t feel that way.”

“I understand.” Removing her hand, she curled it into a fist and clutched it to her throat. “So much death.”

Shifting toward her, Ahsoka grimaced. It wasn’t not true, but she didn’t think dwelling on it did any good. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring up things we can’t change.”

Barriss shook her head. “Don’t apologize. I’m the one that asked. Besides, none of this war is your fault, Ahsoka.”

“Yours either. On a positive note, we’re both still here to talk about it. That’s good, right? Do you know how long it’s been since I had someone to sleep next to?!” she exclaimed in mock outrage. “Unacceptable!”

She was rewarded with a small grin. “Probably as long as it’s been for me. Of course, on our solo missions we used to…” A trembling hand lifted. “... sleep a certain way.”

Her heart buzzed with delight. Ahsoka had been afraid to suggest it. Taking the hand, she pulled Barriss onto her bedroll, wrapping an arm across her.

A pleased sigh sounded as Barriss tucked her head into Ahsoka’s shoulder. “I had almost forgotten.” There was a barely audible whisper, “It makes me feel… not alone.”

Ahsoka tightened her embrace and murmured, “Me too.” Closing her eyes, sleep came swiftly as a peaceful contentment she hadn’t felt in a very long time flowed into her soul.

_______

##### Two days ago…

They crawled through the limited cover of the dusty rocks surrounding the separatist compound. Barriss scanned macrobinoculars over the defenses, calculating potential approaches. The perimeter was more heavily fortified than anticipated. It was nothing they couldn’t handle in a direct confrontation. However, the goal was to get in and out undetected, leaving no traces of their presence. Otherwise, the Council could have assigned a clone unit.

Barriss smiled sourly at the thought. _Of course._ No one cared if clones lost their lives in a job a Jedi could have performed without injury. If it hadn’t been for the Order’s increasing paranoia and secrecy, she had no doubt that is exactly what would have happened.

She didn’t even know what intel they were after. Barriss doubted the Council did either, though they acted all-knowing. They’d been given a vague objective to locate rumored plans of a supposed secret weapon. Not destroy them, just copy them. _Probably want to use it themselves._ She cringed. _That’s not fair, Barriss. They’re not that far gone. Yet._

Ahsoka hissed from her shoulder, “Well?”

“I think we need a plan. The defenses are tricky, if we want to avoid detection.”

“Hmm, retreat back to camp and discuss options?”

Barriss nodded, and they scuttled away from the compound.

_______

Reaching the edge of the nearby canyons, where they’d set up a temporary encampment, Ahsoka straightened to her full height and stretched cramped limbs. “Ugh. I hate infiltration missions. They’re always so complicated.”

Giving a snort, Barriss remarked, “You don’t care for a mission where you can’t just barrel through everything in your way? Shocking.”

Ahsoka shot a glare. “Whatever.” The sentiment was annoyingly accurate. She was too impatient for this kind of thing. Though, in this case, the idea of extending it had a definite appeal. Specifically, a Barriss Offee appeal. Giving a jaunty hand wave, she commented, “Perhaps, I’ve become more measured in my elder padawan phase of life?”

Barriss returned a look that clearly communicated her doubt in the veracity of that assessment.

Barely suppressing a grin, she added glibly, “Hey, years of war can change a person, you know!”

Her friend’s bemused expression twisted, mouth flattening into a harsh line. Barriss stalked across the camp and started digging out dinner rations.

Cursing herself for the flippant remark, Ahsoka strode over and grabbed her arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of it again.”

Barriss jerked away, but then took a deep breath. “I know you didn’t, but it’s true. This war is terrible. What’s the point of it?”

“Um, well, we’re trying to restore the republic and fight the bad guys. Isn’t that what Jedi do?”

“No! That’s not what Jedi do. They don’t kill and destroy. Jedi don’t attack people that simply wanted to leave a bureaucratic, ineffective system. They don’t wreak suffering and violence throughout the galaxy.”

She reared back. “We are _saving_ people, Barriss. And we didn’t start this war!”

“Who cares who started it?! It can only continue as long as both sides fight. Protecting innocents is not what we’re doing anymore, and you know it. You were at Umbara. You saw what we did to _their_ planet. How much death happened on both sides? All because they wanted to make their own choices. They’re not the only ones. We take over any planet we think will help our cause.”

Ahsoka didn’t want to admit that truth. Still, there didn’t seem to be another way. The separatists controlling Umbara meant putting advanced weapons and massive supplies of doonium in the hands of the enemy.

Fists shaking, Barriss kept going. “We do things no Jedi would have ever done before this war started! Look at Master Kenobi. They faked his death and lied to all of us about it! We manipulate, sabotage, or eradicate things in our way. We incite rebellions, commandeer planets, and everything inbetween to achieve our rather dubious goals. If we have time, we might send a token relief team to rebuild the lives we destroyed. Meanwhile, we shove younglings and clones into service as cannon fodder. We do whatever we want, all in the name of…” There was a derisive laugh. “... _peace_keeping.”

Heat rushed to the surface, and she shot back, “And? What is _your_ solution? We sit it out and let the seppies win? Let entire worlds be enslaved by Dooku and his minions? Let everything we believe in fall to evil? Wait for the entire core to be attacked by an unchallenged Separatist armada? Not protect the government we’ve sworn to serve?”

Her olive skin darkened, words spitting out, “We should never have sworn to protect any government! The Jedi should be apart, not beholden to politicians and whims of the moment. You think the citizens of the Republic are grateful? They blame us for the war ever starting, and they should!” Her neck pulsed, veins straining against the delicate skin. “We jumped in without reservation to something that contradicts our supposed high and mighty principles. We don’t believe in anything anymore, except making war. We’ve sacrificed our very essence to darkness, and no one seems to see it. The Jedi have become the problem, not the solution!”

Ahsoka gaped, having no idea how to respond to such an embittered tirade. _She can’t believe all of that. She wouldn’t be able to carry on day after day. Oh._ Understanding crystallized. _She can’t._ Steadying her nerves, she replied soothingly, “Ok. I see what you’re saying. And you may be right about some things. I don’t know. But I do know that you can’t hold everything you just said inside and keep going.”

The rage-speckled skin paled and slender shoulders hunched together. “Nevermind. I’m not sure where that came from. I’m tired, I suppose. Forget I said anything.”

Stepping forward, she placed both hands on Barriss’ face. “Don’t act like you don’t feel the way you feel. Let’s talk about it. Maybe we can figure out a way to express your concerns to the Council. Even work to make changes or at least form an attack strategy for dealing with your feelings.” Her voice turned pleading. “Please, Barriss. Trust me. I’m not an expert at this kind of stuff, but I do care about you. I want you to be ok. And you won’t, if you keep pretending you’re fine. Let me help.”

Conflicted eyes fluctuated wildly and then misery poured into them. Barriss leaned her forehead against Ahsoka’s with a choked breath. “I can’t handle it anymore, Ahsoka. I’m losing my control, myself, everything. When I close my eyes, I only see… death.”

She rubbed gentle thumbs over the diamond tattoos. “I understand. But you're not alone, ok? I'm here, and we’re going to work on things together. I promise.”

Silence fell as they listened to each other’s rhythmic breathing. Suddenly, hesitant lips brushed Ahsoka’s.

It was so unexpected Ahsoka froze. _Did I imagine that?_

Before she could process it, Barriss struggled out of her hold with a panicked, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking!”

Her heart thudded in excited ecstasy. _It was real._ Pulling the woman back into her, Ahsoka crushed their mouths together.

Almost immediately, Barriss responded by wrapping hands around Ahsoka’s neck and angling her head into the kiss.

That increased the intoxicating feelings tenfold. The sensation of their lips melding into one was incredible. Being touched at all was a rare gift for Ahsoka. But this was something more. It filled a hole inside of her she didn’t know was there.

Sliding arms around her waist, Ahsoka held Barriss as close as possible, while trying to figure out which position felt best. Loosening the tightness of her lips and cocking her head in the opposite direction, she finally found it.

A longing mouth moved over hers, causing shots of desire to scatter through her body. Nothing had ever felt this good in her entire life. Ahsoka was certain of it.

Fingers dug into her neck muscles as Barriss opened her mouth slightly. The result was a brief touch of their tongues. Now, Ahsoka had a new bar for happiness. She pushed her tongue back into Barriss’, caressing every inch of it as tingling spikes of pleasure coursed through her.

A hand floated up to her lekku, stroking them lightly at first. The movements gained intensity as fingers kneaded the entire length of a lek, sending chills across Ahsoka’s body.

An aching need spurred Ahsoka to rub along the slender back as her tongue dove further into Barriss’ mouth. She explored the new territory with total abandon, rolling a tip over everything. Unfortunately, her thrilling quest resulted in Ahsoka accidentally straying into the other woman’s throat.

Barriss gagged and broke away, coughing thickly.

“Blasted Force, I’m sorry! I didn’t—I’m not exactly experienced at this stuff.”

Eyes watering, Barriss looked up at her and then started laughing. Well, it was really more of a giggle. “I’ll let it go this time and simply assume you were overwhelmed by my dazzling beauty.”

She waggled her eyebrows. “You assume correctly.”

Barriss ducked her head. Then, she eased into a position practically attached to Ahsoka’s body and trailed trembling fingers over her cheek. “We shouldn’t be doing this, you know.”

“Eh, details, details.” Hovering over the bewitching lips, Ahsoka whispered, “Let’s add it to our list of things to talk about… later.”

A delightful mouth curved up and returned to hers.

_______

They laid on a bedroll, fingers twining together and releasing repeatedly as their lips continued finding new ways to mold into one. Ahsoka dragged her mouth across Barriss’ chin and began pecking tiny kisses down her neck.

Her lips were raw and swollen, but Barriss was happier than she ever thought possible. It was like finding a reality she never knew existed. For at least this moment, the problems that had plagued her mind for the last year had receded into unimportance. Jedi propriety, rules, even her own beliefs on attachments seemed meaningless. All that mattered was Ahsoka.

The thought brought sudden fear. _What if the Council finds out and forces us apart? What if I ruin her life as a Jedi? _She had doubts about the Order, but Ahsoka wasn’t one of them. To Barriss, the young woman represented strength, light, courage, and a never wavering spirit. She was destined to be a great Jedi Knight—one worthy of the title. Should she risk Ahsoka’s future simply to make her own existence less miserable? Then, another thought caused a different kind of anxiety. _What if she’s only seeing this as a one-time thing?_ Pulling her head back, she stammered, “Are we—is this—more than just this?”

Ahsoka’s brow knitted. “Huh?”

Barriss rubbed her own throat. “I mean us. Will things go back to the way they were after we finish the mission?”

Her jaw went slack. “Absolutely not.” She hesitated, face pinching. “Unless, well, are you saying you want them too?”

“No! I want you… always.”

Ahsoka’s blue eyes brightened and a vacantly happy grin spread. “Me too.”

Her heart swelled, but the comfort only lasted an instant. “What if someone finds out? They could strip you of your rank or even expel you from the order.”

She frowned. “And they couldn’t do the same to you?”

Barriss lifted her shoulders in a half-shrug. “Perhaps. But I’m a knight now, and they’re given more leeway. I think expulsion is less of a risk for me. Plus, I’m not sure if I should matter in the equation. I’m not exactly… I don’t know.”

There was a pained grimace. Leaning their foreheads together, she said quietly, “Two things. One, after we finish the infiltration tomorrow, we’re going to talk about stuff. You are an amazing Jedi, Barriss Offee. We’re going to figure out how to make you feel that way again. Ok?”

Breath bottled up in her chest for a moment as something she hadn’t felt in a long time surfaced from the ashes. _Hope. _She traced fingers over Ahsoka’s white face markings, taking in the rare feeling. _Maybe… we can._ “If I have you, I think anything’s possible.”

There was a relieved smile. “Good. Second thing.” Her eyes took on a burning intensity. “Jedi rules don’t bother me. How I feel about you is different than I’ve ever felt about anyone. It’s always been there, I think. You’re _special._ And, it’s not like we’re the first Jedi to have illicit relationships. Anakin’s told me about at least three he's heard of. Nothing bad happened to those people. They didn’t go dark or get thrown into the temple prison or anything. Even the ones that left the Order, instead of giving the other person up, still had a choice. We’ll cross that bridge when and if it comes. Either way, if being with you means censure or worse from the masters, it’s totally worth it.”

Barriss gazed at the ardent face as joy lit her soul. She brushed lips across Ahsoka’s. “Me too.” Another, much more visceral sensation blazed to life, and Barriss now only had one thing on her mind. _You really have thrown everything to the wind, Offee. Huh. So, you have. Why stop now? All in._ She ventured nervously, “Since we’ve chosen our path, how about we celebrate by trying something… adventurous?”

Nose wrinkling, Ahsoka asked, “What does that mean?”

Sliding hands along Ahsoka’s tunic, she ran a fingertip across both breasts with a pointed sigh.

She sucked in a breath. “Oh, ugherm… yeah, that would be—” her voice choked off.

Feeling suddenly giddy, Barriss emulated an Ahsoka Tano pout. “I want to see what you were hiding from me yesterday, when I could barely control myself and nearly exhausted our entire supply of Bacta in order to keep touching you.”

There was a long blink. Then, barely contained enthusiasm blazed to life. The young woman rolled up to her knees, hastily tugging her tunic and underlying layers off. An impish, bare-chested Ahsoka grinned. “Unacceptable. We can’t have Barriss Offee unfulfilled in life.”

She gnawed on her bottom lip, eyes roving over the sight. Then, Barriss realized her body was trembling with aching desire. _Should we do this? What were you thinking suggesting it? What if it makes things weird? You don’t even know how._ Ignoring the anxiety-ridden thoughts, she reached out and trailed fingers over a perky breast.

Both women shivered. The need intensified and she massaged deeper, enjoying the feel of soft flesh engulfing her fingertips.

Ahsoka’s muscles seized up with an excited gasp. “Better…” A happy moan rolled out. “... than Bacta.”

Barriss giggled. Sitting up, she focused all of her energies into the magnificent body before her. _Oh, I’ll so figure it out._

_______

Muscles Ahsoka didn't know she had ached but moving was out of the question. Silky legs intertwined with hers, while a lithe hand clutched her lek. The sleeping face tucked on her chest radiated content happiness. Bare skin melded together as their sedate breathing rose and fell in unison. It was too perfect to be disturbed by such mundane concerns.

However, there was one thing she couldn’t keep herself from doing. Raising her arm from its tight hold around Barriss, Ahsoka touched light fingers to the mesmerizing body. Starting at a slender thigh, she trailed over the woman’s side, taking a brief detour to circle the soft skin on her stomach. Caressing up her arm, Ahsoka reached the elegant face and traced the diamonds she had always admired. _I think I love you._

Ahsoka wasn’t sure she knew what the concept meant completely. Compassion and friendship were versions of love she understood. They were familiar. This felt a bit different. Barriss had always felt different. Now, Ahsoka wondered if it was because she simply hadn’t understood the type of love involved. It had an intensity similar to physical desires and attractions she’d occasionally felt in the past. The kind the Jedi taught her to avoid. This was more than that, though. Those feelings seemed shallow in comparison. This was deeper, more real… completing. _Something like that, anyway._ She stifled a laugh. _You’re confusing yourself._

She mentally shrugged. It didn’t really matter. All that mattered was having Barriss. Besides, they had plenty of time to figure it out. Wrapping an arm around the woman's stomach, Ahsoka closed her eyes and drifted off to happy dreams of the future.

_______

##### One day ago…

They raced through the compound, empty-handed and running for their lives. Everything had gone wrong. The supposedly critical intel they’d been sent to retrieve didn’t exist. Every classified file they’d reviewed contained nothing approaching a secret weapon. Not only that, the enemy appeared to have known they were coming. Fresh anger coursed through Barriss at the Jedi, who apparently couldn’t even keep their own secrets.

They finally gained some distance on their pursuers near the rear exit, and Ahsoka winked. “We make a good team.”

Her rising fury quelled at the endearing expression, and Barriss grinned. “Let’s discuss that at length after we get out of here.”

“Yep. We have celebrating of our miraculous survival to do.” Ahsoka leaned over, pressing lips against hers.

She snorted and returned the kiss. “In that case, definitely time to go.”

Ahsoka laughed and then rolled into the final corridor, lightsabers primed for action. “Clear.”

Barriss rotated around behind her, watching for battle droids. As they reached the exit, she knelt next to the blast door and slid a stolen access card into the slot.

The door slid open, and Ahsoka crowed, “Celebration here we come!” She sprinted through it. Sizzling electrical light filled the air along with a piercing scream.

Blood running cold, Barriss skidded to the opening. “No, no, no!” Running back to the panel, she searched for an override to the unknown security grid that also hadn’t been included in the purportedly reliable compound schematics provided by the Council. She ended up simply slicing her lightsaber through the entire mechanism. Everything flickered and then powered down with a fading whine.

Droidekas came rolling into view at the far end of the corridor. Barriss spotted a junction midway between her and the approaching destroyers. She threw her saber into the joints of a steel support beam situated above it. Chunks of metal plunged to the ground, blocking their path.

Racing back to the blast door, she grabbed the badly burned and hopefully simply unconscious Ahsoka. Tossing the woman over her shoulder, Barriss called her saber back to her side and escaped into the surrounding canyons.

_______

##### Today…

Barriss curled up into a ball against the cave wall, where she’d hidden them away after their escape. _She doesn’t remember. Any of it._ Breaths came in ragged gasps, crushing pain into her chest. The stabbing misery was overwhelming.

_I could tell her._ Momentary hope kindled. Yes, she would explain what happened, what they’d become. How? _‘Ahsoka, by the way… while we were wandering around, we decided to begin an illicit romantic relationship. We also decided we didn’t care if it got us kicked out the Order. Oh, and I have serious issues with the Jedi and might go over the edge at any moment. So, are you ok with that?’ _Her hollow laugh bit the oppressive air.

The bitterness returned in force and morphed into something she’d tried to prevent, to deny, to temper. This time she let the terrible emotion fill her. The Jedi did this. They walked them into a trap in service of an immoral war. They ripped the only light in her life away from her. They made her kill and destroy. They demanded soul-killing conformity to a code they ignored. They spouted hypocrisy after hypocrisy while the universe burned. They were responsible for everything. Yet, they were willfully blind to their own folly. It wouldn’t stop until existence itself paid the same price she had. And they would destroy the little goodness left in the Order in the process.

Barriss Offee _hated_ the Jedi.

Her fists clenched so tightly, fingernails pierced skin. _I won’t just take it anymore. I have to do something. Letta is right. Only drastic action will make people take notice. I’ll reveal to them and everyone else who they truly are._

She gazed at the sleeping woman on the other side of the cave. _Maybe I can save you too. You could show them how far they’ve fallen. You’d be free from their influence, free to forge a better destiny. And when you triumph over them all, you’ll understand how lost the Jedi were. That I was right._

Barriss uncurled and crossed to Ahsoka. Lying beside her, she stroked fingers across the captivating face._ Maybe we could even find what was lost again. Once you see what I see. Either way, you’d be better off without the Jedi. They’ll take everything that makes you beautiful. _

She pressed hands to her head as the next tearful realization came._ You’re fooling yourself, Offee. It never would have worked anyway. She’s too good, too wonderful, too everything you’re not. You never deserved her. _

Fixing an anguished gaze on the shining woman beside her, she accepted reality. _You’re also better off without… me._

Pressing a final kiss to the lips that yesterday had been a source of such happiness, Barriss pushed the emotions into the recesses of her soul once more.

She had a mission now. One she believed in for a change. And Barriss Offee wouldn’t give up, until she’d shown the entire galaxy the truth.

_______

Ahsoka opened groggy eyes as she felt a bump. Shifting her head, she realized her body was strapped to a medical cot in the shuttle. _How long was I out?_ Clearing a raspy throat, she called, “B-barriss?” Raising her voice, Ahsoka tried again, “Barriss!”

The only response was the sound of a hydraulic gangplank lowering. The blank spot in her memories was still there. Time had obviously passed, but Ahsoka felt like they’d just left Coruscant. Now, they were apparently back.

There was finally rustling and footsteps. “She’s in there. I’ve logged all of my treatments and observations for Master Che on this datapad. I’m due to report to the Council and then immediately depart for the outer rim to assist Master Unduli, so I’ll leave her in your capable hands.”

Two Jedi from the healing core came into view and began examining her. Ahsoka strained to peer around them at the woman hovering in the doorway. Barriss felt… different. A truth hovered at the edges of her mind. She couldn’t make it materialize, but there was an undeniable feeling of urgency. Ignoring Jedi propriety, Ahsoka pleaded, “Barriss. Please, come here.”

The healers raised eyebrows and glanced back at the woman.

Barriss stiffly approached. “Yes?”

She grabbed a dangling hand and licked her lips. Ahsoka didn’t know what to say, just that she needed to keep Barriss with her. “I feel terrible.”

There was a momentary smile, before it disappeared into blankness. “That’s what happens when you run yourself into potentially lethal energy pulses.” She removed her hand from Ahsoka’s. Looking back at the other Jedi, she continued, “Her brain is still showing erratic readings, resulting in sometimes odd behavior. However, I didn’t have the tools or opportunity to diagnose it properly. I had to keep her sedated during our return voyage to prevent Padawan Tano from injuring herself further.”

They both nodded and lifted Ahsoka onto a stretcher. “We’ll take care of her.”

Desperation squeezed her heart, and Ahsoka yelled, “No! I need to talk to Barriss.”

The two Jedi stared and then twisted heads to Barriss. One of them commented, “You were right. We’ll get her to Master Che immediately.”

Ahsoka growled, struggling to sit up despite the agony her movements inflicted.

“Alright, Padawan,” a healer addressed her as he would a small child. “Calm down.” He motioned to his compatriot. “You can talk to Knight Offee, once you’ve recovered.”

There was an injection in her arm. “NO!” She strained to hold her gaze on Barriss amid rapidly draining energy. “Stay.” Ahsoka had no idea what she was trying to communicate but knew it was important. She could _feel_ it. “Please.”

The intense cobalt eyes flooded with pain and, for a moment, her expression wavered. Then, it was gone. “I’m afraid I have a critical mission to attend to.” Barriss gave her a tight nod and vanished from sight.

Ahsoka stared at the empty doorway, her soul crushing under the weight of something she didn’t understand as everything faded into darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> My first story in the canon SW universe! Milestone, check. After writing an alternate SW universe for so long this was a bit of an odd experience. Still, I enjoyed it, despite the depressing tragedy of it all. 
> 
> I was toying with perhaps writing a follow-up set sometime post-Order 66 to let Ahsoka and Barriss resolve what we started here. I guess if anyone would be interested in reading that, let me know. Either way, thanks for reading!
> 
> \--Update: Sequel now available with more angst & fluff but also a resolution--Next work-->


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